Speed And Sensibility

THE CALIFORNIA SCREAMIN’ ROLLER COASTER in Disney’s California dventure opened in 2001. It’s the anchor attraction and the perfect set piece for the board-walk-themed area of the park. It’s still the second longest steel roller coaster in the United States and the longest roller coaster with a loop. The thing that really sets it apart, however, is the linear induction motor propulsion that launches trains toward the first hill, instead of the old chain drive system that dragged the train to the top. A train full of 24 passengers is hurled forward by nothing more than electromagnets hitting 55 mph in just 4 seconds.

I’m not a roller coaster fanatic, despite being a regular on racetracks and canyon roads doing something legitimately dangerous. The idea of perceived danger with no control is less appealing. I’m sure that says something about my psyche. Besides that, sitting underneath a human-sized plow yoke in a stylized fiberglass hot tub on wheels just waiting for the kid in front of me to lose his corndog isn’t that appealing, either. I do like Screamin’, however, as it is the smoothest of its kind I’ve ever been on. And that initial acceleration has shocked me since the first time I rode it almost a decade and a half ago.

In 2001, a Porsche 911 had 300 hp and just barely broke the 5-second mark to 60 mph. Heck, the GT3 still took 4.5 seconds, and even the all-wheel-drive twin-turbo needed 4.2 seconds. So getting on Screamin’ meant anyone over 48 inches in height and with $48 could experience acceleration faster than a 911 Turbo. As you can imagine, the turn-of-the-millennium excitement levels were dialed to 11.

Last weekend, I spent 45 minutes enjoying the humanity-watching buffet that is a Disney line experience before my stomach crept into my throat while waiting to get onto the Screamin’ train. It’s incredibly rare I get nervous before driving a car. The last time was sliding into a McLaren 650S at Ascari during a torrential downpour. I was more worried about damaging the car than getting hurt. Roller coasters, though, still give me tummy grumbles that make me rethink whatever I ate last. With the soothing sounds of Neil Patrick Harris’s voiceover reminding me not to stand, reach outside the car, text or tweet during the ride, I am restrained like a mule about to pull a hay cart.

Working from past experience, I rest my head against the tub. It’s going to end up there anyway once the magnets get to work, so under my own gentle terms is better than the more violent alternative. The countdown from  five is rushed and fails to build tension. There is a nearly imperceptible feeling of mechanical tension in the train right before launch; probably the magnetic field scrambling my DNA. I’m sure it’s less damage than what TSA scanners cause on a regular basis. The induction motor may somehow damage me physically, but the TSA grope-a-dope still has the upper hand (so to speak) in ego smashing.

Others scream, laugh, and swear as the train builds kinetic energy. I’m far too manly to scream, instead giggling like a kindergartner on a merry-go-round. While gaining altitude, all I can think of is that the 911 GTS I just drove is faster than this, the once-king of thrill rides. The 911 Turbo S I also drove a few weeks ago is not just a little faster, it humiliates it. In the 4 seconds it takes Screamin’ to get to 55 mph, the Turbo S hits 75 mph. The coaster is still fun, even if the Turbo S eclipses it.

You might be wondering where I’m going with this. As our issues come together, I wade through pitch after pitch of the latest tuner car piece with 1,000, 1,200, even 1,500 hp. Some pitches literally just read: “This car has 1,500 horsepower!” As if that should be enough for me to drop everything and go drive it.

You no doubt noticed this issue’s cover calling the GTS the “Ideal 911.” Perhaps you immediately thought, “How can that be when a GT3 and Turbo are both faster?” My point is: Faster isn’t always better. In this issue is a feature on a MkVI GTI that certainly isn’t the fastest example out there, but every aspect of the car has received attention. You will also see a drive of the new Audi A3 TDI. Again, there is a higher performance S3 available, but that isn’t necessarily the best alternative for everyone. Also, we take a deeper look at the Mercedes-Benz S-Class Coupe and examine the difference between the S550 and S63, while also contemplating what this car means and how it fits into the universe.

Judging cars as “faster is better” or “more powerful is better” is the lazy way out. I hope we’re hitting something more in-depth in our reviews and features. Like California Screamin’, cars should deliver an experience far beyond numbers.